Making A Comeback: Done, Not Perfect!

For years I have tried to figure out what blocks me from writing--the activity that I wish to be doing more than any other. It’s certainly not about the lack of ideas. If I could transfer my thoughts to paper or a screen instantly, I would be set. 

While fear seems to be at least part of the problem, I’m still not clear if it’s the fear of failure or the fear of success. (I have Brené Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection and am sure there is some connection here, but I still have to read the book.) I know that I am not at a place where it feels like enough to write only for me. I want to share my words, insights, and observations. I guess I need to know that others appreciate what I write. Self-doubts can have immense power over moments of confidence, and when it comes to a dream and a longing, self-doubts squash my focus and push me closer to the “why bother” side of my attempts at writing. 

Last April (2019), I started a new fitness and nutrition program. Before this, I disliked exercising as it bored me and felt like a task that got me nowhere--literally and figuratively. When it came to food, I felt like I was eating the same foods all the time. Then, an ad popped up online one March evening. Instead of ignoring it as I do most, I decided to watch the one-hour webinar. 

Sometimes I do believe we see things at the time we are ready for them. I wanted to find a program that included nutrition with real food (not proprietary shakes, bars, and other food), and fitness routines that didn’t require expensive equipment or for me to be watching happy fitness leaders and participants all perfectly in sync while smiling as they worked out. I needed, and still need, real. Human. People who don't stand on pedestals to teach me their celebrity fitness plan or latest trend. For me, it wasn’t about losing weight--which did happen--but rather it was about forming new habits and a new lifestyle. The program I found was the right one for me. I now have new habits, both with fitness and nutrition. I discovered that I enjoy meal prep and cooking, and it’s possible to actually like exercising. When so much of my life--jobs (yes, I have more than one currently), parenting, writing--are subjective, open-ended activities, finding something that is concrete and has a definite start and finish (such as preparing a cooking a meal or following an established timed fitness routine) keeps me grounded. 

I believe, for me, it’s harder not to write than it is to write. So, when I recently met with my Wellness Coach to discuss my progress on various goals, she introduced the idea of “done, not perfect”. I see this as not about doing something mediocre just to get it done, but rather about doing the activity and accepting that it may not be perfect. If the doer puts forth honest effort, the activity has value and is worth doing and finishing, even if it's not "perfect" in the end.

Now, as I try again, for the millionth and hopefully last time, to turn writing into a habit, I’m going to remind myself of “done, not perfect.” I need to do this. I can do this. Today’s post is my comeback. 

To new habits,

Today and tomorrow,

~Tamara

Being Present...This is What I Need

NOTE: In online references to my daughter--who is now 5 and 3/12 years old (starting early with the fractions)--you will see "Little Sapling." Her name actually means tree, as mine is palm tree. Just one of those privacy things I keep in place. Those of you who know me in person, know her real name.
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Back in November 2016 I did a final post on Facebook and chose to take a break. I have not been back since. I do plan to return, but I have somehow slipped back to a past mode of finding it easier to isolate myself than to engage in "small talk" and try to be my real self in front of people online. I felt that if I shared my opinion about an issue (and we all know this past fall there were a LOT of issues) no matter what, I was likely to be wrong.
I questioned my parenting skills. I was taking two grad classes toward my media license, working full time, and trying to be a good parent who does not let her "craziness" rub off on her child.
The negativity in the world, both close to home, and in parts of the world I only see through the news and social media was wearing me down. My own self-doubts about my parenting skills were wearing me down. I worried that I was totally depriving my child because I wasn't taking her on numerous outings and adventures as I saw others doing with their children. Finally, my beating myself up about my avoidance of creatively writing because I continued to feel that everything else had priority, was wearing me down.

I finished the two classes and continued to maintain my grades, surprising me. I won't say much about my job beyond that it continues to consume me--entering my thoughts each day, each weekend, at night, and in my dreams. I find it difficult to feel fully present when my thoughts are in the future and the past, as these are the places where worrying takes us. I fantasize often of my life being different because I am expressing my creativity and collaborating with children and colleagues in a school media center. This is my future.
I fantasize that I am engaging with children at readings of my published books.
These are both where I want to be.

During early December my daughter and I attended a birthday party with friends--one we see regularly, and others we see a couple times per year. We were invited to extend the gathering at a movie. This was not on my agenda as I had two major papers to write for grad school, but I did need a break, and what was a couple more hours?
Five children, and three adults sat comfortably in the back row of a theater. One of the moms purchased kid-sized popcorn for each child. Sitting beside Little Sapling, watching the movie, listening to the children crunch on their snack, was priceless. And in the end, I suddenly had a thought--it was not about the quantity of big activities I do with my daughter that is what creates strong memories, but rather the quality. This is what I need to remind myself.

Finally, New Year's Eve day, I reconnected with dear friends. Little Sapling and their son, who is a year older, played together, while the adults visited. The wonderful thing about great friends is that even after not talking to each other in awhile, we are able to rekindle our relationship and talk with a stream of consciousness format where one topic leads to another and another with comfort and ease. I saw a book about chakras (the seven points of energy) on a table. Now I know some readers will think this is silly or too new age-y, but I am someone who believes that the world and nature is amazing. I believe in interconnections of mind, body, and spirit. I believe that many concepts are only different ways of looking at something and it's up to each of us to identify the perspective that speaks most genuinely to our values and beliefs.

Through talk and some study of my own (a good source of information about chakras is http://www.chakras.info/ ) I learned that perhaps my throat and heart chakras need unblocking. According to the website (noted above) a block in the throat chakra can contribute to (not cause)feelings of insecurity, timidity, and introversion. A block in the heart chakra can contribute to difficulties in one's relating with others, or being closed down, or withdrawn.

I have some work to do. My New Year's resolution is to express myself more, which means--and I know I've said this before, but it's something I truly need--that I have to get myself in gear. I'm not content where I'm at currently and I want to be able to be present for my little sapling.

Being present means I'm engaging in my passions and learning to do so without regret or judgment so when I am with Little Sapling, it is all about her for the moment.

This is what I need.

What are your resolutions? What do you need to feel present? Let's support each other. Leave a comment below.

Thank you for reading my thoughts,

~Tamara
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PREVIEW: Upcoming reviews include Sachiko: A Nagasaki Bomb Survivor's Story by Caren Stelson, and If You Plant a Seed by Kadir Nelson.

The End is Near--or is it?

All I can say is that this has been a tough year.
Tough year at work.
Tough year combining work with grad school with parenting with adjusting to changes in health and thinking.
I recently completed my grad classes in Information Media until next fall. Super grades! I feel pleased, and more knowledgeable. And even a bit more confident should I be blessed with a job interview in the near future.

Now to get through the rest of the school year. Being a special education teacher is like having 10 or more major assignments all due around the same time. It's people forgetting that when we became teachers, the number one reason was to help and work with our children--to help them achieve success and believe in themselves despite having challenges related to learning or attention or physical disability. We knew that paperwork was a major part of being a special education teacher, but when there is more concern with the paperwork than the the teaching, it makes it difficult to feel that we, the teachers, can be fully focused and present for our students.

It has been a tough year.
I used to do all-nighters to get through my paperwork. Now I am zonked by 9:00pm--sometimes earlier.
My thyroid cancer--which is all clear now (as reported following my spring break scan--yay!)--was my wake-up call that life is too short to be spending time doing something that makes one feel frequently stressed and unhappy.

I am looking for a change.
Summer will be my break.
I am collecting ideas to share here.
I cannot wait.

Be back soon.

~Tamara

Update from Me

Hello Wonderful Readers,
I may not have achieved my two-week blog goal, but I'm not giving up, and I have every intention of keeping this blog going.

People have asked how I am doing.
I survived a week of teacher workshops and am now cramming to finish setting up my classroom and plan the first week's lessons and activities. I don't know too many teachers who feel fully ready for the first day when it arrives, but it all manages to work out.

I've been a bit tired, but livable tired. The pain from the surgery no longer requires pain meds. I get a little hoarse after extended speaking (which should make things interesting next week when I have students), but otherwise I feel all right or "okayish." I plan to take things one day at a time, as best I can as I prepare for the next major step in treatment--the radioactive iodine (it won't really make me glow or give me the ability to cook food--I inquired.)

I am appreciative of all the people in my life who have shared their experiences with me regarding their own thyroid issues. There are so many of us, fortunately and unfortunately.

I feel restless when I'm not writing, and the feedback from my posts keeps me inspired. I do have several blog posts in the works on topics including foundation shakers (diverse picture books and challenges), graphic novels, novels in verse, nonfiction picture books, and "what's the deal with adults intervening" in picture books. Yes, I tend to have a lot about picture books. I can't help it. They are amazing sources of stories. Plus, there is no excuse of a lack of time to read as long as picture books exist.

Please feel free to post comments on past and present posts. I love feedback and reading different perspectives. As a teacher, I want to "hear" (in this case, read) your thoughts.

Here's to reading lots of books in the meantime.

I'll be back soon!

Have a  great Labor Day weekend!

~Tamara Riva

Squashing Regrets and Noting the Present

I knew that I would be tired once my daughter was born, back in September 2011, but I don't think any parent--especially a first-time, single parent--has any real comprehension of what "tired" truly means until it becomes real, and not just a prediction.

It's not just fatigue though, it's the not finding moments to myself to get things done. Sometimes it feels like I can handle doing enough to mostly stay afloat. This is to take care of most of the day-to-day tasks of eating and feeding, cleaning (at least the dishes), getting to daycare, work, making it through the day at work and getting as much done as I can amid unscheduled interruptions, and back home again for one-to-one time with my little sapling (my daughter), then preparing dinner, nursing, getting ready for bed, and finally getting to bed, oh, and don't forget finding time to shower.

But, there are extra things I have wanted to do.

• I wanted to send my holiday cards and letters to more people. I only got to part of my list of family and friends (no rhyme or reason as to who got the letters and who did not on my list--I apologize to those of you who did not get one. You'll be first this coming year.)
• I wanted to write more--stories, this blog, my journal.
• I wanted to get my home organized--I mean all laundry put away once clean. All mail, papers, school work and more filed appropriately and neat.
• I wanted to create a meal plan--I know I am working too hard currently to plan meals for my daughter and me since I prefer foods that are healthy, mostly have ingredients I can pronounce, and don't contain extra junk such as artificial food dyes, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, and various preservatives.

These are just a few things. I know there are more. Daily intentions touch me regularly. I may stay afloat, as I must, so I can take care of my daughter, but regret also touches me daily as I rarely seem to be able to climb above the water. I just want to move forward a little--to get a few things accomplished that are not part of my daily "stay afloat" practices.

I do know, that to move forward, at least a little now, I need to squash some of those regrets. I need to note the present and accept that I can only do what I can do right now.

So, not everyone got their holiday card this year. I may not have written down my thoughts, but I sure processed my stories, blog, and journal in my head crazily. I think a lot. I can walk through my house, and, compared to some folks I have met, even with my papers and clean laundry, despite the feeling of clutter, my home is basically clean. I may think a lot about meal planning, and stress about it, too, but we do get three decent meals per day, and we are very healthy with no major health issues (not even any food allergies).

Now that my teaching school year is coming to any end, a major consumer of time will temporarily be out of my life. My priorities, after my daughter and my basic self-care, can change.

I think about the dogs that seem to bark constantly whenever anyone moves outside. The dogs live two doors down from my parents. Today, my daughter and I ventured to the head of the next-door-neighbor's driveway when the dogs on the other side came out on the deck and barked, and barked and barked. My little sapling squealed with delight at the sight of the little pooches and giggled. How could I, and the adult who owned the driveway, hold on to the annoyance we normally feel toward these yapping animals when a toddler's squeals and giggles filled the air with joy?

When I see her face, and when she reaches toward me for a hug, the present is beautiful. Regrets relate to the past. I need to cling to the beauty by doing what I can do now, and not worrying or thinking about what I missed yesterday.

Blessings and peace,
~Tamara

A Year Ago Today

One year ago today I went to the doctor for my fifth and what I said would be final attempt at getting pregnant. Wanting so much to believe in some magic, I hoped and prayed in my own way. The magic happened and I have an entire new lifetime to live with my little girl. My 3-month-old little sapling giggled on Friday night for the first time--not her normal coo laughs--but a real giggle. I cannot wait to hear this again and "bottle it" (record it) so I can listen again and again. 

This has been a blessed year. May you all have blessings and love for the coming year..

Welcome to my blog--Musings on finding light in the moments of my life.

Read on to learn more about me and my insights, and hopefully discover blessings and joy in your own life.

~Tamara