For years I have tried to figure out what blocks me from writing--the activity that I wish to be doing more than any other. It’s certainly not about the lack of ideas. If I could transfer my thoughts to paper or a screen instantly, I would be set.
While fear seems to be at least part of the problem, I’m still not clear if it’s the fear of failure or the fear of success. (I have Brené Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection and am sure there is some connection here, but I still have to read the book.) I know that I am not at a place where it feels like enough to write only for me. I want to share my words, insights, and observations. I guess I need to know that others appreciate what I write. Self-doubts can have immense power over moments of confidence, and when it comes to a dream and a longing, self-doubts squash my focus and push me closer to the “why bother” side of my attempts at writing.
Last April (2019), I started a new fitness and nutrition program. Before this, I disliked exercising as it bored me and felt like a task that got me nowhere--literally and figuratively. When it came to food, I felt like I was eating the same foods all the time. Then, an ad popped up online one March evening. Instead of ignoring it as I do most, I decided to watch the one-hour webinar.
Sometimes I do believe we see things at the time we are ready for them. I wanted to find a program that included nutrition with real food (not proprietary shakes, bars, and other food), and fitness routines that didn’t require expensive equipment or for me to be watching happy fitness leaders and participants all perfectly in sync while smiling as they worked out. I needed, and still need, real. Human. People who don't stand on pedestals to teach me their celebrity fitness plan or latest trend. For me, it wasn’t about losing weight--which did happen--but rather it was about forming new habits and a new lifestyle. The program I found was the right one for me. I now have new habits, both with fitness and nutrition. I discovered that I enjoy meal prep and cooking, and it’s possible to actually like exercising. When so much of my life--jobs (yes, I have more than one currently), parenting, writing--are subjective, open-ended activities, finding something that is concrete and has a definite start and finish (such as preparing a cooking a meal or following an established timed fitness routine) keeps me grounded.
I believe, for me, it’s harder not to write than it is to write. So, when I recently met with my Wellness Coach to discuss my progress on various goals, she introduced the idea of “done, not perfect”. I see this as not about doing something mediocre just to get it done, but rather about doing the activity and accepting that it may not be perfect. If the doer puts forth honest effort, the activity has value and is worth doing and finishing, even if it's not "perfect" in the end.
Now, as I try again, for the millionth and hopefully last time, to turn writing into a habit, I’m going to remind myself of “done, not perfect.” I need to do this. I can do this. Today’s post is my comeback.
To new habits,
Today and tomorrow,
Today and tomorrow,
~Tamara
