Being Present...This is What I Need

NOTE: In online references to my daughter--who is now 5 and 3/12 years old (starting early with the fractions)--you will see "Little Sapling." Her name actually means tree, as mine is palm tree. Just one of those privacy things I keep in place. Those of you who know me in person, know her real name.
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Back in November 2016 I did a final post on Facebook and chose to take a break. I have not been back since. I do plan to return, but I have somehow slipped back to a past mode of finding it easier to isolate myself than to engage in "small talk" and try to be my real self in front of people online. I felt that if I shared my opinion about an issue (and we all know this past fall there were a LOT of issues) no matter what, I was likely to be wrong.
I questioned my parenting skills. I was taking two grad classes toward my media license, working full time, and trying to be a good parent who does not let her "craziness" rub off on her child.
The negativity in the world, both close to home, and in parts of the world I only see through the news and social media was wearing me down. My own self-doubts about my parenting skills were wearing me down. I worried that I was totally depriving my child because I wasn't taking her on numerous outings and adventures as I saw others doing with their children. Finally, my beating myself up about my avoidance of creatively writing because I continued to feel that everything else had priority, was wearing me down.

I finished the two classes and continued to maintain my grades, surprising me. I won't say much about my job beyond that it continues to consume me--entering my thoughts each day, each weekend, at night, and in my dreams. I find it difficult to feel fully present when my thoughts are in the future and the past, as these are the places where worrying takes us. I fantasize often of my life being different because I am expressing my creativity and collaborating with children and colleagues in a school media center. This is my future.
I fantasize that I am engaging with children at readings of my published books.
These are both where I want to be.

During early December my daughter and I attended a birthday party with friends--one we see regularly, and others we see a couple times per year. We were invited to extend the gathering at a movie. This was not on my agenda as I had two major papers to write for grad school, but I did need a break, and what was a couple more hours?
Five children, and three adults sat comfortably in the back row of a theater. One of the moms purchased kid-sized popcorn for each child. Sitting beside Little Sapling, watching the movie, listening to the children crunch on their snack, was priceless. And in the end, I suddenly had a thought--it was not about the quantity of big activities I do with my daughter that is what creates strong memories, but rather the quality. This is what I need to remind myself.

Finally, New Year's Eve day, I reconnected with dear friends. Little Sapling and their son, who is a year older, played together, while the adults visited. The wonderful thing about great friends is that even after not talking to each other in awhile, we are able to rekindle our relationship and talk with a stream of consciousness format where one topic leads to another and another with comfort and ease. I saw a book about chakras (the seven points of energy) on a table. Now I know some readers will think this is silly or too new age-y, but I am someone who believes that the world and nature is amazing. I believe in interconnections of mind, body, and spirit. I believe that many concepts are only different ways of looking at something and it's up to each of us to identify the perspective that speaks most genuinely to our values and beliefs.

Through talk and some study of my own (a good source of information about chakras is http://www.chakras.info/ ) I learned that perhaps my throat and heart chakras need unblocking. According to the website (noted above) a block in the throat chakra can contribute to (not cause)feelings of insecurity, timidity, and introversion. A block in the heart chakra can contribute to difficulties in one's relating with others, or being closed down, or withdrawn.

I have some work to do. My New Year's resolution is to express myself more, which means--and I know I've said this before, but it's something I truly need--that I have to get myself in gear. I'm not content where I'm at currently and I want to be able to be present for my little sapling.

Being present means I'm engaging in my passions and learning to do so without regret or judgment so when I am with Little Sapling, it is all about her for the moment.

This is what I need.

What are your resolutions? What do you need to feel present? Let's support each other. Leave a comment below.

Thank you for reading my thoughts,

~Tamara
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PREVIEW: Upcoming reviews include Sachiko: A Nagasaki Bomb Survivor's Story by Caren Stelson, and If You Plant a Seed by Kadir Nelson.