In July, after 10 years teaching special education full time (the last seven at the middle school level), I resigned from the school district where I completed my K-12 schooling, substitute taught four and a half years, and started my path as a public school teacher.
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Through last week, excitement outranked anxiety. I am considered a "new teacher" again and completed new teacher training. I love what I have learned so far! However, today, anxiety outranks excitement. This is typical of my head each time I return to teaching after summer break. But, it is different this year. Today, it relates to the newness of my path. It relates to the not-knowing what I don't know and not fully knowing what to expect. It relates to knowing that there will be a learning curve for each role and that I am not expected to be an expert from the start--yet in my head, it also relates to the fact that I have to keep shutting down the thoughts that maybe I am expected to be great right away.
Change is scary. The familiar is safe. I could have kept doing what I had been doing for my job, but it had become a 24/7 job. It was in my head--the paperwork, the pressures to do everything "right". The pressures to place paperwork first, and teaching and my students, second. I did not feel peaceful. I told myself after my thyroid cancer diagnosis in 2015 (see past posts) that life was too short to be doing something that did not make me happy. This past school year was better. I was the Autism teacher, as well as a resource teacher in the special education department. I learned a lot from my students about autism. I also learned how little I knew. Despite being out of special education now, I carry my experiences with me. I expect to continue learning, and I wish to continue learning--only not in the role I have done for 10 years.
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I will miss my former colleagues and many of my students. I thank my colleagues for the glowing references when contacted by my new employer. I especially thank my former principal for believing in me, recognizing that I have something to offer in what used to be my new career goal, and now supporting my decision to move on, even if it meant losing a devoted teacher at her school.
Today is the first official day of my new career. I look forward to collaborating with colleagues. I look forward to supporting my colleagues. I look forward to meeting my new students.
Yes.
Change can be good.
Today and tomorrow,
~ Tamara
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