About My Blog Title

Hobbling to the elevator in 2011

When I was pregnant with my daughter in 2011, I traveled to California to visit my sister and her family. During my visit I fractured my right foot. I wound up wearing a boot, and had to use a cane to ease the weight on my foot as I walked. Then, shortly after, I received a diagnosis of gestational diabetes. This devastated me as good nutrition was and is highly important to me. What had I done wrong? It didn't matter that my age likely played a role, as well as a small familial history of diabetes. I felt like a failure. I could do little exercise, and my determination to remain positive for the sake of my unborn daughter was shaken.

Then, I started grad school via a low residency program at Hamline University in pursuit of a Master of Fine Arts degree in Writing for Children and Young Adults (MFAC). Twenty nine weeks pregnant with a boot, a belly, and a cane. My mother traded cars with me as my belly and boot caused me not to fit well in the driver's seat of my own car. I now drove a mini van. At Hamline, it was a hot summer. Construction on campus caused the most direct route to buildings to be roundabout. My apartment, with the greatest roommate--thank goodness--happened to be the furthest from the elevator on the third floor.

2015 Hamline MFAC Grad

I learned to laugh at the situation, even when I wanted to cry. I had to laugh. I was on the path toward two of my greatest dreams--becoming a mom, and learning the craft of writing so that someday I will be a published author. Finding light when times felt cloudy was how I could continue moving forward.

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I attended Hamline only during the summers, followed by fall semesters. On July 19, 2015, I officially graduated with my MFA degree. Now, I am taking the steps to begin my agent search and publication submissions. In order to establish an online presence, I have returned to this blog I began in 2011.

A Boot, a Belly, and a Cane. A bizarre combination. A memorable combination. A name that continues to make me smile. So, I have chosen to keep it.

Happy reading! (More About Me - Current Page)

Today and tomorrow, 

~Tamara (pronounced like "tomorrow" with a southern accent.)

Squashing Regrets and Noting the Present

I knew that I would be tired once my daughter was born, back in September 2011, but I don't think any parent--especially a first-time, single parent--has any real comprehension of what "tired" truly means until it becomes real, and not just a prediction.

It's not just fatigue though, it's the not finding moments to myself to get things done. Sometimes it feels like I can handle doing enough to mostly stay afloat. This is to take care of most of the day-to-day tasks of eating and feeding, cleaning (at least the dishes), getting to daycare, work, making it through the day at work and getting as much done as I can amid unscheduled interruptions, and back home again for one-to-one time with my little sapling (my daughter), then preparing dinner, nursing, getting ready for bed, and finally getting to bed, oh, and don't forget finding time to shower.

But, there are extra things I have wanted to do.

• I wanted to send my holiday cards and letters to more people. I only got to part of my list of family and friends (no rhyme or reason as to who got the letters and who did not on my list--I apologize to those of you who did not get one. You'll be first this coming year.)
• I wanted to write more--stories, this blog, my journal.
• I wanted to get my home organized--I mean all laundry put away once clean. All mail, papers, school work and more filed appropriately and neat.
• I wanted to create a meal plan--I know I am working too hard currently to plan meals for my daughter and me since I prefer foods that are healthy, mostly have ingredients I can pronounce, and don't contain extra junk such as artificial food dyes, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, and various preservatives.

These are just a few things. I know there are more. Daily intentions touch me regularly. I may stay afloat, as I must, so I can take care of my daughter, but regret also touches me daily as I rarely seem to be able to climb above the water. I just want to move forward a little--to get a few things accomplished that are not part of my daily "stay afloat" practices.

I do know, that to move forward, at least a little now, I need to squash some of those regrets. I need to note the present and accept that I can only do what I can do right now.

So, not everyone got their holiday card this year. I may not have written down my thoughts, but I sure processed my stories, blog, and journal in my head crazily. I think a lot. I can walk through my house, and, compared to some folks I have met, even with my papers and clean laundry, despite the feeling of clutter, my home is basically clean. I may think a lot about meal planning, and stress about it, too, but we do get three decent meals per day, and we are very healthy with no major health issues (not even any food allergies).

Now that my teaching school year is coming to any end, a major consumer of time will temporarily be out of my life. My priorities, after my daughter and my basic self-care, can change.

I think about the dogs that seem to bark constantly whenever anyone moves outside. The dogs live two doors down from my parents. Today, my daughter and I ventured to the head of the next-door-neighbor's driveway when the dogs on the other side came out on the deck and barked, and barked and barked. My little sapling squealed with delight at the sight of the little pooches and giggled. How could I, and the adult who owned the driveway, hold on to the annoyance we normally feel toward these yapping animals when a toddler's squeals and giggles filled the air with joy?

When I see her face, and when she reaches toward me for a hug, the present is beautiful. Regrets relate to the past. I need to cling to the beauty by doing what I can do now, and not worrying or thinking about what I missed yesterday.

Blessings and peace,
~Tamara